We waved goodbye and promised each other that we’d meet on Saturday for shopping and nightly party. As I turned and leave, he called out to me, “Hey…” and spread out his arms wide open like he was going to be crucified. Brian was asking for a goodbye hug.
Well, that’s normal and it’s just going to be a friendly hug. Although I have a hunch that Brian was going to take advantage of this ‘friendly’ hug one way or the other. But it’d be weird if I turned him down so…
I took a few steps forward, closing in the half metre gap I unconsciously kept throughout dinner and the walk towards the bus terminus. I started to open my arms but then something happened, I tripped over a curb and started to lose my balance as I accidentally stepped on his shoe – falling backwards.
A pair of hands slipped through my waist and reached my back, pulling me up; then another pair of arm craddled my shoulders securing me and brought me close to Brian. My face reddened instantly, the warmth spread from my face to my ears. I avoided his eye contact as I muttered, “Sorry, I’m really clumsy…” My voice tailed off as I felt my bones crushed in his tight hug. My heart was pounding against his chest and I stood there unable to move like a fool. By this time, my neck felt really warm and my back was cringing – this so unexpected and uncomfortable, I thought silently.
Abruptly, he loosened his grip and pushed me away. He was about to say something serious but then he laughed.
“You look funny when you blush,” he exclaimed. “Kinda cute that way.”
I glanced at him briefly and wished him goodnight before I stepped on the bus. Quietly I thanked the bus for arriving in such a timely manner. Sitting on the bus and trying to regain my composure. I was momentarily relieved but soon felt guilty. Betrayal, that was what’s burning inside. What the fuck was that? Trip and fall? That’s so typical of you to be clumsy at the wrong time. And what were you blushing about? Now he thinks you’re into him or something pleasant. I scold myself.
I look cute when I’m blushing? It sounds nice when Paul said that, but when Brian said it… it’s like tasting bits of cork in wine or having rice stuck in my throat – not nice and almost dreadful. I seemed to have forgotten how to breathe from all this confusion. Inhale is when your diaphram pulls outward and your lungs expand to get air…Exhale is when your diaphram is pushed inward and lungs contract to release carbon dioxide… Yeah, just do that and you’ll prevent yourself from having a panic attack on the bus.
I miss Paul. I need to talk to him. I miss him so much…
Shit, I’m so guilty…… I can die from blaming myself…
