I hadn’t imagined it like this. I was so taken aback when Paul said that his “heart sank”. No one has ever said that to me because I try hard not to create this kind of scenario. Usually it is me who say that because people disappoint me to every degree when it comes to work, school projects/ presentations, and past relationships. When he said that, I felt I’ve let him down rather than the opposite.
How can I sleep? I said something that I can’t take back, and I caused someone’s heart sink. That sounds like a serious crime to me, because I never ever wanted to do that to anyone (unless it’s Jonathan or Kurt). In the end, I cried myself to sleep and woke up 4 hours later at 5.31am, feeling clear-minded and strangely lighthearted. Perhaps it’s my defense mechanisms working because I can’t seem to remember all the details that happened last night except that I told him what I thought (bad thing) and he said something about his heart sinking when he heard the bad things I said (more bad things) – possibly repression. Besides all that, I felt happy because I’ve tried to convey what I thought even though it didn’t go as well as I’d planned.
Went back to sleep and woke up at 9.40am. For some odd reason I got pesky and sent Paul a text message in the early morning, I figured he might have several reactions when he received it at that hour: (1) annoyed someone sent him a message early in the morning when it takes him hours to fall asleep; (2) angry that someone can be so inconsiderate and selfish; (3) doesn’t know because he’s in REM sleep and dreaming away. Happy wouldn’t be in the list because I don’t think we’ve left off things in a gleeful ambience. What the hell were you thinking, Amanda? You got annoyed when Jonathan sent you a waffle of text messages and multitude of MSN messages in the morning, why do you think you’re any different when it comes to intruding someone else’s sleep in the morning? What a dumb thing to do! I know, I know, I’m such an idiot.
I’m starting to talk to myself like Homer Simpson from the movie. “Yes, you can! No, I can’t!….”
So I confessed, was that too bad? Was it exactly my fault for ruining the day? Yes to both, but I shouldn’t blame myself for trying to speak my mind. Trying doesn’t mean I can articulate it well enough for everyone to understand how I feel and or think, if so then there wouldn’t have been so much misunderstandings in my life. Sometimes I wonder how things will turn out if I never said anything that night but ask him what his decisions are. Chances are, we might’ve ended the night with a goodbye hug and kiss. But no, it didn’t.
Assertive optimisim. Well, I can try to make it up before he leaves, can’t I? There’s still some time haha..*nervous laugh*
