This afternoon had been wonderful. When he invited me to his place for another drink and hang-out session, I was totally up for it thinking, “He’s leaving soon so why miss out a tiny chance to be with him?” Yesterday night, I rushed through my work drinking more than enough mugs of instant coffee to keep me hyper and awake, just so I can meet him today. Although I know clearly I can’t spend the whole day with him, I was content to spare a few hours with him because anything with Paul is worth the try or effort. Really, he motivates me in a way that it’s hard to explain.
I’ve never expected things would turn out like this. At his place we didn’t just drink or have casual talk and watch TV. A hug and a few kisses became something intense, not to the point we were having sex but if there were condoms lying around or a few more boozes and time on our side, maybe sth might’ve happened. Maybe… But we haven’t time on our side, and none of the abovementioned so we were able to withhold everything for now.
Paul and I left Ma On Shan at around 5pm, and we departed separately at Mong Kok KCR station. Of course, a tight hug and a brief kiss became some sort of habit for me since the time I left him at Festival Walk. As I stepped on the taxi towards home, a few questions popped into my head. These questions have stuck me not once throughout this day, but I managed to put it aside when I was with Paul. Questions such as:
(1.) So he said he doesn’t want a fling or a short relationship. Then what is this we’re having?? Since he held my hand at the cinema and kissed me, he hasn’t really official said anything about us being together or whatever.
(2.) If this is just another fling, and it’ll end up to absolutely nothing at all.. will I still be able to face him and talk to him as a friend? Of course, that wouldn’t be much of a problem since I still talk to Kurt and others. But will it hurt me?
(3.) If he doesn’t clear this up before he goes to Canada, and that I still have faithful feelings for him, and only then I find out that he’s going to hook up with someone or have a serious relationship with some other girl… can I blame him for being inconsiderate and selfish? But what if he gives me a ridiculous reason like, “I never said we’re going out seriously. We just kissed and hugged… that’s all”. I’d be some fool… Not that I don’t trust him or anything, since he has reassured me more than enough that he’s not going to be like that. So, I guess in a way Q.3 isn’t exactly a worry of mine.
And that was it, I thought maybe if I knew the answer may it be (a.) we’re just having a fling/ short relationship, (b.) I never really liked you [this is kinda impossible], (c.) I don’t know/ I can’t give you an answer now, and (d.) no, we’re not having a fling; whatever he may say, I’m going to be prepared for the worst anyway. I can’t stand having my grades fall below my standards when semester starts. I know too well I can care about a guy so much that if he suddenly does something disappointing, I can ruin my life for a short period of time. And this I cannot pay the price. It’s not worth losing my academic stance to any guy…
It just so happens that I managed to pop the question to him tonight. Not the happy “will you marry me” question, that’ll be really freaky, but more like “what’s going on with us?” question. Just as I suspected, it’s answer (c.) – he can’t give me an answer right now due to confusion of his own. Which to me, means things are going to be unstable and may lean on either side of the balance – positive or negative. Thus, I came out with this conclusion that I’m going to put 70% of my feelings into Paul, enjoy whatever time I have with him and use it well as I wait for the answer. Of course, feelings aren’t that easy to control. 70%… hahaha it’s just another way of saying I’ll keep 30% of my feelings in control so that if sth bad does happen I won’t be too upset.
Sounds like I have it all planned out as well. Just wait till the answers come out. The last time I told myself that was when Kurt decided to have a 12-hour rendez-vous relationship with me. “I promise you……..” he said. And look what promises become? Empty hopes and meaningless words. I have a strange feeling everytime someone promises me sth, because of that few disappointments I’ve lived up with, I have took ‘promise’ as a nearly negative word. Am I being too pessimistic when it comes to this? No, just careful and try to be realistic sometimes when it comes to words that can’t be taken back.
