Had a dreamless sleep and it was divine. I can’t believe it… it’s 7.43AM and I woke up thinking of him first thing in morning. Not a bad way to begin my day but I’ve a twisted feeling I’mg going to fall into my own trap again. Don’t want to rush anything since I’m not quite sure of what is it he wants. Sometimes I just want to hug him, but I think I am capable of retaining myself, for now… And until I do sth stupid, I shall proceed with the thought of, “I feel lucky to spend time with him. And yeh, he’s still talking to me and returning my messages so I guess we’re alright.”
You know, if I were him I’d stop worrying and give it a shot. Afterall, it might flourish into sth….But wait, I might not be able to take the fall if he suddenly decide that it won’t work out and never will. *Blargh* THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!! WTF am I talking about?!?!?!
There’s still a LOT to learn about him. And I should just wait patiently. But for how long? No one knows… and what if he doesn’t feel the same later on? When will I know? Right, he’ll stop talking all at once and I’ll be behind closed doors. *groan* Stop it with this nonsense thinking!!! It’s too early for you to think straight. I’m going back to bed………. >_<
Text messaged Paul later on that morning in bed. I waited for 1 min, then dropped dead on my bed halfway changing into my jeans. Woke up later by the sound of buzzing…my cell is vibrating on the small couch beside my bed. And taa-da! it’s Paul!! (shit, i’m so ______. can’t describe myself but i’m not really happy with myself..) I picked up phone with child-like sleepy voice, and then that’s when I did sth stupid: I bumped into the wall, and proceeded to ramming my right elbow to wall. Great one, Amanda… You’re just the weirdo everyone needs.
“You sound cute..” he said.
That brightened my day for a bit till I was 15-mins late when meeting him this afternoon. And found myself dressed in weird fashion compared to his t-shirt, jeans and backpack. I’ve scored another point of stupidity: -2. I started blabbing about myself and other random shit.. -4. Can this day get any worst? Somewhere out there, I feel like someone answered me back with preppy voice, “Nope, I’m just getting started on your bad day. Wait a few minutes, love, and you’ll really know what bad luck means. Hehehe” -5 pts.
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The cinema couldn’t get any colder. The room temp. had to be like 18 – 15 degree C. Absolutely ridiculous.. I don’t know who’s more silly though, me for not bringing a cardigan or the theatres for icy weather. I swear I was sorta shivering and feet were numb from cold… So much for “Clear blue skies~~ =)” broadcasting all ’round HK when everyone is blasting A/C indoors. And didn’t the late commissioner of Environmental Protection Dept. encourage indoor room temp. of 23 to 25 degree C??? Ironically, the indoor temp. of HK during summer exceeds our outdoor temp. in winter. This is sth people need to consider at heart. And I shall stop complaining…………
Note to self: Bring a bigger bag or carry a coat/jacket/cardigan…or else suffer the horrible consequences of the A/C.
So yeh, I was cold and asked him for a jacket which he doesn’t have so he held my hand. For a brief moment there, numerous things ran through my mind:
“Omg…um…what to do? What’s this?…”
“Uhh…he’s holding your hand trying to keep you warm? maybe? Duh!”
“shoot.. i’m so nervous. am i shivering because of the cold or sth else??”
“CLEARLY it’s the god-damned A/C you’re shivering about. Now won’t you focus on the movie? What if he asks how was it afterwards? You’d be gaping and say sth stupid like, ‘I don’t know..’ Didn’t he say it’s better to leave all thoughts till after movie??”
“right…..Hmmm…Cho Chang is so ugly”
He realized later on that holding my hands didn’t help me gain warmth so he simply took them away, abruptly. Okay, that was weird. Did I do sth wrong? Need sth to lean on whilst thinking some more……………………..
“How’d you find the movie?” he asked right after credits rolling on screen.
I suppose I said sth like, “It was okay.”
And added, “They cut out a lot of details from the book…”
Great one. More points scored: -10.
——-
Trying out rings was the part I found uncomfortable with most. Not because of the idea that I’m trying it for another girl but because he’s giving a ring to some girl in Canada. That’s so not cool. I mean, guys don’t give rings to a girl unless he’s planning to (a.) wed her, (b.) get engaged to her, (c.) give special gift to girlfriend, (d.) ask her out. Still, (d.) wouldn’t be acceptable to most people anyway, because there’s a sequence in giving gifts for crush/girlfriend: starting with earrings if she has any, bracelet, necklace, and then a ring. And well, there may be other sorta gifts along in between above-mentioned, but rule is guys don’t give girls rings without a good reason. I mean a REALLY good one.
I could feel myself drifting off to the Netherlands (place where ppl die). Don’t want to show my upset face so I tried with great difficulty to put on a smile; I guess my smile was quite acid because there were several occassions where he noticed it.. What can I say? “I demand to know who this ring is for!” Heck no, that’s none of my business and I have no reason to interferre with his life, and I’m just a friend so it’d be inappropriate of me to pry. I am starting to really hate myself, always stuck in such odd situations where I’m not supposed to feel bad. Perhaps, I’m too selfish………
——
The date ended with dinner at Double Star Cafe at Chuang’s Plaza in Jordan. I watched with great admiration at how he’s able to handle a SLR (forgot what letters stand for but I know “L” stands for Lens. hahaha…). That camera seems so difficult to operate. It was then I wondered what my mom had thought of my dad when he carried a SLR with him and took pretty pictures. Then, I remember my dad telling me about his dates with mom, “She was really impatient and didn’t like taking pictures at all. Most of all, she broke one of my lens while fumbling around with it.” Mmmm… I better not touch that camera then: I’m very clumsy.
Walking home from Jordan wasn’t a long walk, in fact it seemed too short when I was with Paul. It’s always nice to have a friend who can listen and give useful advice. Of course, I didn’t understand all of them because I was sorta busy with other random thoughts:
Why should I get so upset? He’s talking to me, he’s still seeing me. I still have my chances however slim and slight it may be. Besides, friends are always better. Keep telling yourself that and you’ll have no bfs in future. Probably live like Dolores Umbridge with sickly pink and cats everywhere. Just keep going with that “friends are always better” and you’ll even convince your mom that you’ve never had a thought about guys before. But I have him to myself for now. Isn’t that good? I think I’ll just stick to this right now, regardless of what feelings I have for him. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and certainly don’t find it amusing to be hurt as well…
Back home with all the privacy to myself, I submerged myself into my bath tub of hot water. Time seemed to pass slowly under water. I can hear the floorboards creak, the water drip from taps, and brief rustling of trees outside bathroom window. This cleared my mind.. =)
Then I choked because I forgot I was under water and breathed in. Argh… water in nose… I dislike that feeling.. I’m so stupid!!! Hahahaha so stupid… That’s when I thought with great desire, “I need to relax!” So I sprung up, walked around house with towels on (dried feet first, ’cause don’t want mom to mop up trail of water from bathroom to living room to kitchen and back to my room). It’s so liberating to do whatever I want, without caring what others think. I put on the CD Paul bought me today and danced around from kitchen to my room. Yes, from kitchen because I switched on kettle to boil water for tea.. and back room to change. Hahaha dancing to “No way back” was entertaining. Hehehehe
Neighbours must’ve thought there’s a loud looney next door. Well, I may be just what they thought but I’m happy. Happy: that’s good enough reason to smile and feel good about myself. Why should one punish themselves forever? Happiness can be found everywhere. You don’t have to have sth happen to you in order to be happy. It should be priceless, and that’s one thing a lot of people don’t know how to achieve.
